The JestMaster Speaks: About Hawaii - Cruises Revisited

Aboard Ship and Bon Voyage.

This one is going to be about the cruise. If you’ve read my previous JestMaster Speaks entries, you know that one of the earliest I did was about cruises. (read JestMaster Speaks About Cruises.) It was my honeymoon, over twenty years ago, and my first cruise. It was on Carnival Cruise Lines Sensation. And it really was. I was awed. Decades later, having been on several cruises at this point, I am less in awe and more savvy about these things.

Our original intent in going to Hawaii was to celebrate my wife Mikki and my twentieth wedding anniversary. We’d been planning it and saving up since our ten year anniversary ‘re-wedding’. Thought it would be cool to bring things full circle, from honeymoon cruise to old-and-settled married couple cruise. We were going to do the whole thing, re-vows and all, on some beautiful mountaintop or whatnot. Idyllic.

Then Covid came. Trip, and in fact any real anniversary celebration, out the window. And I really wanted to celebrate. Anyone who could put up with me for twenty years deserves to be celebrated. Or possibly committed. Our cruise reservation cancelled, our hopes and dreams dashed, we sullenly hid away from the world, and, when required, had to mask up like bank robbers in public. Fast forward to Covid ending. Well, wait, that hasn’t happened. Probably never will, as long as there’s money to be made from it. Fast forward, then, to Covid mask restrictions finally being lifted. Now we were in business. We could actually enjoy a cruise without being hampered by ineffective, uncomfortable, unsightly masks— although we did need to prove vaccinations and take tests before boarding. And, just FYI, the entire crew remained masked throughout.

Fortunately for us (but not so much the cruise line) the ship we were on, NCL Pride of America, the only one permitted, for some reason, to do the Hawaiian Islands itinerary, was running at severely reduced capacity. Only about 1100 passengers as opposed to the normal 2186. This was both wonderful and dreadful in turns. But it did provide us with a massive room upgrade.

Many cruise lines will give you an upgrade to a nicer cabin sometime after you’ve booked. When everyone wants the cheap bunk you’ve got, but there are none left, why not bump you up to an unsold room and snag the cash from the other guy by selling him your cheaper room? Makes sense, and can be a lovely surprise for the upgradee. You have to request to be put on the upgrade list when you book. Some cruise companies upgrade by bid. “How much extra will you give us if we upgrade you?” NCL did this, and we ‘bid’ with the lowest cash option. I recommend everyone who goes on a cruise do this. There are vids online about it. Really, do.

From our arrival at the pier, once we told them our room number (12000) which elicited an “Ooh, really?” and eyebrow raise from the crewwoman checking us in, we were lead, by our ‘private’ concierge, to the VIP lounge, where gourmet little sandwiches, hors d’oeuvres, fanciful sweets and a bevy of beverages awaited. Now that’s what I’m talking about. Finally treated as we ought.

We, along with the other, apparently, elite, got a brief orientation lecture. We were told that our dinner reservations had been made, and just every little thing taken care of. We were then escorted on board, where we got another “Really? Wow” from the purser. Or whoever. I still think in terms of ‘The Love Boat’ crew. We were taken to our VIP restaurant in which we could have dinner and lunch, should the other options not appeal. After lunch we were led to our cabin on an upper deck. Our mouths dropped open.

The room was huge (by ship/hotel standards), an ample living room with sleeper couch, chairs, dining nook, kitchenette, big TVs— the works. A bedroom filled with a kingsize bed was made private by virtually soundproof sliding glass doors and curtains. Off the bedroom was a walk-in closet with vanity, and from there a bathroom you could play racketball in.

Within, a glass enclosed cubicle for the necessaries, a glass doored shower with a ‘rain-head’, and an oversized tub. A Jacuzzi tub. And did I mention the other bathroom off the main room? This was unreal. But there was more— a balcony. Complete with table, chairs and… wait for it… a private hot tub. A freaking private hot tub! On the balcony!

With the touch of a button it would fill or drain, and a colorful light show would radiate up through the hot, swirling bubbles if such you desired. And we did. Every single day. And night. Sometimes twice. We have videos.

Including our kid, by the way. I guess I neglected to mention him before. Of course, if you were paying attention you may have spotted him in some of the photos. This was a family vacation, and Ryan was an integral part of it. Sounded very romantic up until then, huh? Well, we did get our moments, but it was a rare pleasure to share all the decadent indulgences with our growing boy before we kick him out he chooses to leave the nest.

Minutes into our initiation into this splendor a knock at our door heralded our butler. What? Yes, we had a butler. To see to our every whim, although not being whim type of people, we didn’t inconvenience him overly much. He was a personable, straight-backed, white-haired gentleman from New Jersey, who’s name was Guy. He’d been at it onboard this ship and others for decades. He gave us his card, and told us to call at any time. I informed him, and he waggishly agreed, that he would be called Jeeves for the duration of our stay. He kept our room stocked with fruit, nightly canapés, complementary wine and ice. He also buttled at the VIP Meet The Captain Cocktail Party. Don’t remember the captain actually being there.

Our ‘private steward’, meaning he only did the handful of real fancy rooms on that deck, was Ivan, who kept things clean and tidy, and always greeted us with a genuine smile and pleasant chat.

So the accommodations were, to say the least, fabulous. It was fortunate, since most of the rest of the cruise was nothing to write home about

Fewer people on board meant less crowds, more open spaces, shorter waits for the buffet, bars and so on. Which was nice. Unfortunately it also meant that shipboard services were cut down to bare minimum. Of seven specialty restaurants only two were open. No sushi, Brazilian BBQ, scaloppini or hibachi for us. Many bars, even in operating venues like clubs, were shut down. They would have an activity like karaoke or a party in a venue, such as a themed bar, but told you to go somewhere else to get your drinks. Some of the bars that remained open didn’t remain open for long. Having seen no poolside cocktail waiters throughout the trip, I went to the main bar by the pool to get a frozen daiquiri, which they have ready-made in machines. The bartender told me they were closed. It was about three minutes after six in the evening. I asked nicely, since it was only a few minutes past the ridiculously early closing time, if he could just quickly grab me a cup of the pre-made, right-there-already stuff, but he refused. I went back to my lounge chair in a snit. My snit surged when, about fifteen minutes later, that same bar tender poured out a couple of cups of frozen daiquiri for a tanned, shapely, sultry, long raven-tressed young woman in a skimpy black thong bikini. Grrrrrr. (I was so snitted that I barely even noticed the girl. Barely. Really.)

As evidenced above, service on board was dreadful. Now, I know everyone is understaffed these days, but really! Dining, for example. On the Carnival and some other cruises I’ve been on you choose an assigned time for dinner in the Grand Main Dining Room (they’ve all got them). That meant you got the same waiters and bus-folks nightly (and often afternoonly), and they all got to know you. We would arrive at our table with some of our favorite tidbits already upon our plates. Napkins were placed on our laps, beverages replenished at near every sip, our health and general well being inquired about sincerely. Sometimes the service bordered on being too solicitous, but these people were competent, professional, enthusiastic and worked hard for their tips. And therein lies much of the key. When someone has to earn a tip they generally put a bit more into their job. But some lines, like NCL, promote ‘freestyle’ dining, which supposedly releases you from the awful necessity of a dinner time. Some cruises offer a choice. In the freestyle model, you rarely see the same waiter twice, and all tips are oh so conveniently automatically added to your bill for the entire cruise. You’re tipping waiters, stewards and probably a whole bunch of people you don’t even know about. And at a set percentage that I would certainly have exceeded if service was good. So, they get their same limited percentage no matter how badly they do. And badly they did.

On our first night’s dinner, it took half an hour to get our drinks. Soft drinks. Which were sitting in pitchers on the counter twenty-five feet away. And nearly an hour more to get our food. And much was wrong and had to be sent back. Questions about the menu were met with blank stares. Inquiries about possible allergic ingredients needed to be checked on in the kitchen, which was apparently in Cucamonga. Plates were unceremoniously dropped on the table. My Cherries Jubilee came out with no ice cream, just a bowl of cherry sauce.

The service improved only very slightly as the week wore on, so we mostly ate at the buffet or one of the two only available specialty restaurants. Cagney’s Steakhouse, I must say, was pretty amazing. Great food, great service. That’s why it costs extra (except for us VIPs). Unfortunately in Jefferson’s Bistro, the French restaurant, things were not as rosy. The food was good, but the service slow and plodding. We nearly missed our show. Our main waitress, supposed to be doing proper fancy ‘French service’ waitressing kept asking us to grab plates and hand things to her. When another waitress helped out and I reached for the plate she seemed appalled, and reprimanded me sternly. Obviously training is not terribly consistent.

Had the service been better it would have improved the experience a whole lot, but would’t have helped the food much. The food on Carnival was so impressive that first time that I bought the cookbook. On this NCL ship, and others I’ve been on, not so great. Not terrible by any means, just not the fine dining one expects when forking over a sack of simoleons for the vacation of a lifetime. The food at the buffet was pedestrian. Themed food nights were pretty lame, and the Hawaiian night, which, given that this is the Hawaiian cruise, was just wrong. Dishes claiming to be Hawaiian which I couldn’t verify, and traditional dishes prepared badly. And I did do quite a bit of empirical research on Hawaiian cuisine while there. (Read JestMaster Speaks About Hawaii - Lets’s Eat) The upside, of course, is that because I didn’t eat as much as I’d intended I didn’t gain as much weight as I’d expected. Silver linings.

Lest it seem like I’m only griping, I assure you there were fine times aboard as well. The pool was great (even if getting a drink was as easy as reeling in a marlin).

We even tried the hot tubs— not a patch on our own, mind you, but hot and bubbly nonetheless. Crew were for the most part friendly and helpful. The ship, built in 2005, was refurbished in 2021. The decor aboard ship is, as might be expected from the Pride of America, all Americana, which we appreciated. When we asked the photographer to take a shot of our family standing on the Great Seal of America on the lobby floor, he was confounded. Apparently no one else on the ship has ever made that request. So much for patriotism.

Entertainment on the ship was spotty. Shows were scheduled at times that made it nearly impossible eat dinner and see a show. The magic show on board by Fred Becker was inventive and entertaining. Jill Kimmel (if the last name sounds familiar, yes, she’s his sister) was the comedian on our trip, and was very funny for both her family and adults-only sets. (And during off hours and off the ship, but that’s another story…)

Music onboard was fine, offered up in different venues at various times by various musicians. The thing that irked me was that there was no actual main-stage show. What was presented was a singing show by The Company Men, who  proclaim ‘Where Motown Meets Boy Band.’ The show, was fine for what it was, four guys doing a conglomeration of song mash-ups from, yes, Motown and various boy bands. But there was no actual shipboard show, as every other cruise I’ve been on has had. There is usually a themed singing and dancing musical review featuring a sizable cast, lights, costumes, sets, etc. Often there are two such shows during the week. Some ships even put on entire Broadway shows. But we got often incomprehensible medleys by some frat boys. Sigh.

The cruise itself was the best way to see much of Hawaii. After our initial few days in Honolulu, Oahu, we boarded the ship and were then taken to Kahului, Maui; Hilo,Hawaii; Kona, Hawaii; Nāwiliwili, Kaua`i; and then back to Oahu.

Being able to travel to each island and explore without having to get ourselves there, and having food and a nice room to return to each night was priceless. (Although, come to think of it, we did pay quite a price.) The ship offers tours, but what most people don’t know is that the same tours can be booked directly from the tour companies at a fraction of the price. So we did that.

As for all the remaining details, hopefully I’ll have the energy and creative inspiration to write about those in future articles.

Despite all my griping and grousing, even the worst cruise (excluding hurricanes, capsizing, hitting icebergs and the like) is enjoyable and economical (relatively) and is a great vacation option. And, although I’m a harsh critic, there is much fun and merriment to be had on any cruise.

As NCL Pride of America is the only option if you want to do Hawaii, you might as well. Might not be the most exceptional cruise out there, but it is Hawaii, and that makes up for a whole lot. Just remember to put in for that upgrade!

___________________________________

Thank you for reading me on Substack. A paid subscription will get you actual stories, book chapters and other fun stuff as well. Please throw me a few bucks and support the arts (and we few stupid enough to attempt to make a living that way)!

For more Jon, please check out GOAT Films on Youtube for many funny and entertaining videos. PLEASE like and subscribe.

And while you’re at it, please join my mailing list at jonkoons.com.

jonkoons.com / jestmaster.com / openbooktheatre.org